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THE UNAUTHORIZED STORY | ||
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This news was greeted unhappily by his family, particularly his father who came from a long dynasty of insurance salesmen. It was feared that his career choice would besmirch the family name. "Gray" first appeared in the records of the court of James the First of Scotland. The fact that most of the clan were hanged as sheep stealers has in no way mitigated their pride in ancestral heritage. Apparently, it was one thing to steal a sheep and quite another to "tread the boards". Bruce now lives in Hollywood living the fabled life of a cinematic demi-god. But he shuns the bright lights of stardom, preferring a more Spartan existence His sole companions have been three goldfish, coincidentally all called "Fred." Alas, one of the Fred's recently committed suicide (preferring to take his chances on the carpet) and the other two did not survive a weekend visit to a neighbor's piranha. His only solace is that the piranha choked to death on the last Fred. During the heady 60's, 70's, and even 80's he was unjustly accused of having done "absolutely everything, every which way, with everyone." But now as he enters the tea-time of his life he has embraced celibacy. He feels it is truly unseemly at his late age to be engaging in sexual shenanigans of any kind. This has been made all the easier by the fact that no one wants to engage with him either. He steadfastly denies the vicious rumor that he was overheard saying "More creative energy goes into one of my wanks than Michelangelo ever put into the Cistine Chapel!" His manly pursuits include attending Raptor games and playing tennis. His feats on the court are the talk of the racquet club, where he has a fabled backhanded compliment, and a vicious "Drop Dead". In a misguided attempt at political correctness, he explored his feminine side one Halloween by cross dressing. His efforts were met with jeers and ridicule, and in despair he turned to cross-training. To that end he is a regular habitué of health clubs. Years of discipline and hard work have unfortunately produced no changes in his body visible to the human eye. "But" says his trainer, "it does keep him off the streets." His is currently writing his autobiography entitled PASSION'S PLAYTHING. Selections from Volumes I, II and III have been published in the Equity Newsletter, American Theatre Magazine, The Toronto Sun, and The MURDER SHE WROTE Cookbook. Volume II met with some resistance from the Canadian Customs. The book was stopped at the border by an official who suspected that the phrase "and thus began the assault on the citadel" was a reference to sexual activity. "I thought the phrase sufficiently baroque to have escaped the vigilant eye of the government inspector," protested the author. But it was considered too scandalous for the brittle Canadian temperament, and was confiscated at the 49th parallel. Hopefully future volumes will receive the respect and attention they deserve. He also has plans for another project, entitled, FRITTERED AWAY, MY LIFE AND COOKBOOK. Unfortunately, due to a lack of recipes it has been put, in Hollywood parlance, "on the back burner." But he looks ahead each day to a brighter tomorrow, balding head held high, wrinkles deepening, paunch expanding, a flickering presence in the Pantheon of Canadian Thespians. |