MISS LIZ

Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a little town in rural Arkansas, there lived a happy couple, Donny Bob and Sally Mae. Donny Bob was a bit of a “cracker,” and harbored all sorts of red neck ideas about just about everything, which often brought a disapproving cluck from Sally Mae. But the one thing that she could never doubt was that he truly loved her. And Sally Mae loved him right back. And their great love finally bore fruit, and one day she gave birth to a tiny sprout called Paul Mack.

Now Paul Mack was unlike any child that the couple had ever seen before. He seemed to come out of the womb already “different”. By the time he had reached four, everyone agreed, there was no one quite like Paul Mack. It was not just that he loved to play with dolls and dress up in his Mother’s clothes, but that he was so uninhibited about it. He would parade around the neighborhood in his crazy outfits, with lipstick and painted nails. No one minded much because in Arkansas, “dressin’ up funny” was the least of anyone’s concerns.

At some point it must have occurred to Donny Bob, that maybe it was high time for him to step in and provide some fatherly direction in his son’s life. To that end he went out and bought a pedigreed piglet. No doubt he hoped that taking care of livestock might encourage his only son to focus on the manly art of animal husbandry. And by the same token it make him a more acceptable part of their farming community.

To everyone’s surprise, Paul Mack took to the pig like duck to water, to employ an unnecessarily confusing simile. He just loved that animal. In no time at all he was shampooing it, and brushing it, and painting it’s toenails with Armoral. And under his tutelage that piglet blossomed into a beautiful hog. “The prettiest pig in three counties” everyone agreed. So Paul Mack entered the pig, now called Miss Liz, into a local 4H Club competition. To no one’s surprise, Miss Liz won. And Paul Mack continued to enter it into every local competition, winning every one of them.

It was generally agreed that Miss Liz should go to the State Farm Championships in Little Rock. But entering would cost a lot of money; money that Donny Bob and Sally Mae could ill-afford. So Paul Mack got the idea of parading Miss Liz up and down the town to raise the entrance fee. And he strapped a big purse around the pig’s neck, with the word “Donations” cleverly embroidered on it. Miss Liz by now had taken on many of the affectations of its owner (as animals often do), and was “hamming” it up like a real trooper. It would sidle up and put its snout into some bystanders crotch until the hapless person was forced to put money in the purse. And then Paul Mack would whisper, “What do say, Miss Liz?” “Oink, oink.” said the pig, with a porcine curtsey.

In no time at all the money was raised. And off they went to the State Fair. There was a bit of a mix up at the outset when it was determined that Miss Liz was in fact a boar and had to be entered as such. But a minor adjustment on the entrance form fixed that, and Paul Mack went about his preparation for the contest. No entrant in the Miss America Pageant ever got more attention than did Miss Liz. That hog was washed and brushed and trimmed and painted until it almost gleamed.

Donny Bob and Sally Mae too had come to Little Rock, and waited proudly in the stands to see their son and his prize-winning pig compete at the state level. Over the loud speakers came the announcement that next up was the boar contest, and all eyes turned to the entrance gate. About a dozen porkers led by their masters began a parade across the arena. Each farm boy, blue-jeaned and apple cheeked led his pig in a giant loop. Then suddenly music started playing, and out the gate came Miss Liz , resplendent in a big bow and painted toes, and, as a few disgruntled contestants later claimed, some color enhancement of the eyes. Behind came Paul Mack, sashaying around like Marilyn Monroe, dancing in step with Miss Liz, while the speakers blared: “We’re Just Two Little Girls From Little Rock.” Every flash bulb in the place went off. No one, in all the years of the state competition, had ever seen anything like it. The judges went from aghast to amazed to awed. And Miss Liz took Best Boar, Best Of Breed, Best Of Show and they would surely have awarded Paul Mack something if there had been a prize to give away.

Donny Bob now realized that the pig strategy wasn’t going to work in making a man out of his son. When the contest was over the family returned home, and the pig was slaughtered, and they ate it for Thanksgiving. During the prayer, Donny Bob blessed the food, giving particular attention to Miss Liz who had given everyone so much joy in life and was now about to do so in death. Surprisingly, Paul Mack was not as upset as one might imagine. Life and death happen quickly and often on a farm. Plus as a consolation, he had been given a pick up truck earlier in the day by Donny Bob and was already planning a canary yellow exterior and black ball fringe around the windows.. He would later name the truck Lizzie II.

Then Donny Bob said “Amen,” Sally Mae said “Amen,” and Paul Mack said “Amen,” and they all tucked in to Miss Liz.

© Bruce Gray 1999